enough. please.

my parents are at the edge of divorce.

i pray for a miracle :)

and after a year, here comes a new entry. (matagal na rin akong hindi nakapagblog kaya goodluck sa akin). actually, i don't know what to write. pero may kaibigan kasi ako na gusto niyang magpost ako dahil gusto niyang magbasa. (so you, who are reading this right now, oo ikaw na mas nakakaalala pa ng account ko dito kaysa sa akin.. haha, ito na ang aking just-for-the-sake-of-posting blog XD)

so where to start? the first thing that came to my mind awhile ago was about my identity crisis. it's not the personality-oriented kind of crisis. it's more of a profession-oriented type. that's right. i have no freaking idea of what my profession will be in 4 or 5 (maybe 6 but hopefully not) years time. by the way, i wrote about this na in multiply. and You-who-know-my-account-better-than-i-do also knows that i am shifting out of my department/institute this coming sem. however, as i type these words on the screen, i still haven't made up mind as to which course to take. i'm not sure either if i'm the directionless kind of person. what i'm sure of is that i want to work for UN as soon as possible. i mean, i know where i'm going, well, at least i have decided already on that part. the only problem is i don't know which route to take. i tried taking the much more challenging route and my parents are discouraging me to continue on with that route. they want me to take the road more traveled, maybe the cemented kind of road where people could easily pass by with less harm accompanying them. as far as i can remember, i have been taking those bumpier type of roads ever since ever i think (not that i have much confidence in me, but somehow i tend to choose them because i know it would be really great if i could overcome them. anyway, this is getting a little off point already). so back to the roads more traveled, i still don't know which would be best for me. i need to find a course that will suit my desire of working for the UN and at the same time i need a course which will help me keep my DOST scholarship. yes, the scholarship part is really holding a big role in this whole shifting game, as in really. and that's another problem.

i need my scholarship so that i will remain in the university of scholars. my family is in a difficult time right now (business booing) therefore it is hard for my parents to sustain our (my sister and i) schooling expenses. kaya ayun, ang scholarship ay talaga nga namang isang napaka-importanteng bagay para sa isang taong naghihirap sa buhay. (yehey, nakapagtagalog din ako.. haha. to take things on a brighter side).

anyway, i just hope that i will find the right course for me before i go back for the enrollment. and i hope that my dream won't shatter, that i won't break it or i won't change it. it irritates me to hear people telling me "bata ka pa kasi, sige lang, magbago din yang ginaisip mo ngayon. pagkatapos ng ilang taon iba na rin yung gusto mo". i mean, mother wouldn't it be better to just support your child with what she is dreaming of instead of being so positive that those dreams won't come true? because for me, a child's dream is the most sincere and honest hope that man can find in this planet. instead of subconsciously brainwashing someone, just try and support him or her in reaching goals. maybe that's why some people abandon their dreams in the end; they also developed in them a different perspective. now i pray for determination and i hope that my dream won't change. it's for a good cause too right? so why must the universe not conspire to make a little miracle like this to happen? /:)

how pisay changed my life

Stepping for the first time on the grounds of Pisay gave me anxiety and excitement. I remember it well as though four years didn’t go by. From the moment I learned that I passed the entrance exam, I knew then that some things will never be the same. It didn’t matter much to me which things will forever change. I didn’t even mind the possibility that I myself will change. I just knew that the life I lived so well within the gates of a private school will be opened to new horizons. I felt that I was going to enter another world and that my knowledge will just broaden as I’ll begin that journey.
My expectations, however vague they may be, seemed to turn out right. As I entered Pisay, my eyes only saw differences at first. It took me some time to adjust to a different culture and way of living. It took some time for me to learn together with people who seemed to be very different from me, partly because I carried with me the pride that I have for my Alma Mater that time. So here I was, feeling lost in a place I never knew I could love so much, what better place was there for me to change than in Pisay herself?
One of the first things that Pisay taught me was to adjust. In my first year, adjustment was really important so that we could prolong our stay in Pisay. We needed to adapt to a whole new surrounding. Pisay also made me realize that differences could indeed bring people closer together and that we could achieve more if we know how to make good use of these differences. I learned how to appreciate each person because of his or her unique personality. With this, together with my batch mates, we started to grow and learn in the way that Pisay has prepared for us.
This road was never easy for us. It was Pisay who taught me that no road to success is ever going to be that easy and smooth. We really have to work hard in order for us to achieve something. I felt these countless times because of all the homeworks, lab reports, quizzes, projects, research study and exams that we all had to do as part of our stay in Pisay. I can remember well how we endured sleepless nights, misunderstandings between groupmates, fights between friends due to stress and so much more all because of the demands of the school. We were trying real hard so that we could live up to the expectations that people had from us. For quite a number of times, I tried in vain.
It was in Pisay that I stumbled and hurt myself many times. It was in Pisay that I fell into pits which I thought were too deep for me. It was in Pisay that I faced barriers which I thought were too high and too thick for me to go through. But then, it was Pisay who taught me how to stand up after stumbling, how to climb out of pitfalls and how to make it through roadblocks. These things I learned to do thanks to Pisay and to my friends who were together with me in this process.
What I can say now is that I have not only progressed academically, I have also developed in me values that I learned along the way. I learned the importance of striving hard each day. I learned about the essence of time. I learned how to have a positive outlook in life. I learned how to appreciate more the little things in life.
I also realized that Pisay brought out the best in each person in the Ethereal batch, in one way or another. These words may be too commonly used, but their meaning still answers what I think Pisay has done to us.
All the trials and hardships we’ve been through may have been bitter, but how we triumphed over them only made our journey sweeter. All our learnings, realizations and experiences in Pisay are indeed intangible. Equipped with these, I can say that I am now more prepared to unveil a pathway to a new horizon that I have chosen to see further.
I never thought that entering and leaving Pisay could be this hard and no words can express how I feel in making my stay in Pisay now only a part of my memory.

it's the end, and this one's late, i know =__=

hmmm.. i know this is already late but i feel like it's really time for me to express the things I've been trying to be numb of.
yes, last March 25 there came to be 91 ethereal graduates of Pisay. the graduation brought about two common and simple yet strong emotions: joy and sadness. i was thinking that it is indeed the time for us to step on the center stage and take that final bow. i didn't want to get too emotional about it and so i was acting like i was already showing all emotions i have. i was kind of afraid that maybe i will breakdown and i didn't want to cry. i just didn't want to reach that point. so the start was just the way i wanted it to be. there were these other parts of the program that took my thoughts far away from graduation. i was listening to the speeches. i was listening to the speakers and how they were delivering their speeches. criticisms were made in my mind just when i was feeling drowsy because of some monotonic voices. and then, i found myself among people standing and preparing to do a simple act of transferring our caps' tassels from left to right. how simple it was and yet it did summarized our high school life. all of our tears, laughter, pains and joy were concluded by that simple act. how happy our faces became when we were declared graduates, yet i knew just like me, hidden behind those smiles was sadness as the realization of the end of high school began to sink in.
the graduation song came soon enough. i felt that it was just the final thing for us to do right before our high school will end. i stood in the bottom row and almost directly in front of me stood Ariella who was going to conduct our singing. it's like the only phrase in my mind was "this is it." we were already singing, and hearing the music brought goosebumps to myself mainly because the song was really true to us. then as recy, kimC. and i held our hands together during the chorus i was already fighting back tears. i didn't want to cry in front of all those people. however, it was difficult to stop those tears from falling. there even came a point when i had to stop singing because i just couldn't sing anymore. those tears will indeed fall if i continued singing the song. and then, the last "unfold" came and we bowed down. teary eyed, i went back to my seat.
after some oath-taking, the Mancom, faculty and staff had their recession. but in the middle of the columns of seats, some of us were bidding farewell to our teachers, some of which stayed with us for 3-4 years. we were supposed to have a recessional too but then we were already hugging and saying goodbye to one another. we were just crowded there unmindful of the fact that we didn't have a proper exit of the gym. left and right, people were hugging and bidding farewell. left and right, there were tear stained faces, genuinely happy ones and faces with eyes searching for specific people. during this time i was far from tears. then i saw James in sweat and tears and memories of our friendship went back to me and then i found myself crying. tears which i fought back moments ago were then flowing freely. i was really crying. maybe it's because he's one close friend of mine and i just knew that our visions of him being with us in Manila and playing for the UAAP wasn't just going to be true for the coming school year. and so i was already crying while hugging other people after. all of us were emotional that time.
and for the last time, our batch had our own vanity session together. trying to make sure that those moments will stay as clear as ever, trying to make sure that there will be proofs of those moments. we were making memories together in pisay for one last time.

the end and the beginning

March 23, 2008.. (Sunday) two more nights until our last day of being together, as a whole.
i can't believe that it's been like almost four years now since the first time that most of us saw or met each other. nearly four years ago we played our little games in the gym during our Friendship Games. i can still remember our Truth or Consequence game in what was once a pingpong area near the bleachers; there we were confident enough to ask the name of one of our batch mates. then there were these jokes spreading like bonfire especially in Pearl. i definitely can't forget the Apple pie Joke. (or was it really a joke? hehe)
we were as carefree as we could be, fresh teenagers just having fun and trying to adjust to a whole new atmosphere. we were learning together. we were learning simple things like when is the perfect time to be happy. we also learned some golden rules like our id is our life. first year passed as fast as it could've ever done. however, we weren't exactly mindful of the fact because we were gonna be second year students already.
in our second year, we started discovering a new form of torture. we didn't realize how sweet it could be. we got to know each other more and became closer too. more things happened and it's quite hard to sum up all these things. they were representatives of laughter, of tears, of challenges, of victories, of such extremes.
third year then came and we were definitely growing together. we were learning once more the meaning of competition, we were learning as a team. we felt older, wiser and freer. we felt more liberated. although there were fights and relationships with other people became rough we were still trying to be happier than ever.
and now our fourth and last year came. yes, it already came and now it's beginning to slip away from our fingers until only our memory could get a good hold of it. during my fourth year, i learned how to be more independent. i am still learning to mingle with different groups of people. we learned more about other people. we made friends with others whom we thought of as only pictures in frames that hung along our corridors. we started realizing how limited our time was. we felt more the meaning of true friendship through various tests and challenges that we had.
in our stay in high school, time was not really a concrete variable for us. we only thought of it during lab reports, projects, contests, classes, flag ceremonies and curfews. we never considered the time when we were there just hanging out with our friends. we didn't mind the time much when we were having fun talking, laughing and playing with each other. but now time is of the essence, some people are now saying "sana more time pa to bond with my batch mates."
thinking about tomorrow and how it will serve as our last day to bond together is rekindling a certain emotion i know most of us have felt before. happiness isn't exactly the right word because there sure is sadness in knowing that some of the faces i've grown so used to in seeing will soon fade away from our view. sadness isn't the word too because it gives me joy thinking that all of us have passed this one big challenge of our lives. fulfillment perhaps? but it's disheartening knowing that i could've done better in many things during our stay in school. well i don't know the right word to describe this feeling. it's like every emotion is playing in me. but it doesn't matter. not knowing the right word for this doesn't mean that i am feeling less of this emotion. i am hopeful too that tomorrow will be one of the best days in our stay in Pisay. i hope we could enjoy it like it is our last day, because you know, it is indeed our last day before graduation. i also hope that things will be better for us in college and that we will not forget one another. i wish us all the best Batch 2k8! (rather, the Ethereals).

bitter day

i very much dislike this day. today has been once again full of bitterness, frustrations, disappointments, quarrels and misunderstandings. during the past few days, we have been stressed and fed up with all these negative feelings for almost about everyone and everything in this world. we've spent our days backstabbing people in every opportunity we have had. we released all our anger, frustrations and bitterness, well, i thought all of them.
I'm the type of person who dislikes getting angry at others for i find it very exhausting, tiresome and stressing. i have this so-called free-floating anger. as a result i tend to allow others to keep on giving me reasons to get mad at them, reasons that just accumulate all by themselves. this leads to all the backstabbing and release of bitterness that i have been willingly doing for the past days. however, i never wanted to continue on with this daily routine for the rest of the week or for the rest of the month that we have left in our school. that's why i wanted this to stop.
now a person whom we felt disappointed with came to talk to me. she explained her side and she gave me a reason why she was able to do the thing which triggered our bitterness. in hearing her side, i then realized that we might have been narrow-minded after all and that she didn't really intend to hurt us especially a friend of mine. i felt that we have just been so fed up with the person she was with that time that we didn't even bother to think that maybe some circumstances happened that's why she appeared so guilt-free that time. upon hearing this, i thought that this was just another misunderstanding between friends that could be settled sooner or later.
i thought so too that my friends did not know exactly her side of the story so i really intended to share it to them. so i went up to them and i asked if it's okay for me to share something which i knew as another source of bitterness. someone told me that she was not in the mood. another agreed that i go ahead and share the other side of the story. therefore i started sharing what has been told to me. however, i was immediately cut off. this irritated me a little bit because first you agreed but next thing i know you're cutting me off and you're covering your ears already because you didn't want to hear another word of what has been said to me. with these actions i knew that i will just have to shut my mouth and try to understand your feelings. so i said nothing more.
what hurt me most awhile ago was the cold treatment you were giving me which i knew so well to be reserved for those people whom you were bitter with. i was wondering how you could treat me that way when what i just did awhile ago was share to you guys the other side of the story which was also shared to me. i wasn't trying to persuade you to befriend each other once more because i knew that your thoughts were really far from it. i wasn't also trying to influence you to think that it was just a simple misunderstanding that could be fixed overnight. i was merely sharing something to you and if you have just allowed me to finish awhile ago then you would have known that i would really leave you to decide for yourselves whether to treat the girl in a bad way still or not.
i never thought that one morning we are such friends and after a few hours or so you were giving me the impression that you just can't say it in my face that you're irritated by me. i wasn't also prepared by the fact that you texted a common friend of ours that you were already going home and you didn't even bother to text me, and i believe we were the ones going home together for the past days.
oh well, I'd take this as another normal thing in the world that totally sucks and is really exhausting to entertain.
*how nice it is to have a friend who does not easily hate you for simple things that you have done which appear to be awful without the help of explanations and all. hai nako.. sana matapos na ang mga bagay² na 'to and ewan ko ba sa mga tao ui. basta effort magalit na eh.. and it's just up to us if we allow people we're bitter with to destroy our day and to escalate our anger. in my case, i don't want that to happen. so I'm gonna do my best to be as numb as possible; even if being hurt badly is the only process of becoming one. a few more weeks, that's all we've got.

it's ME: My English project >.<

I was born in the year of the sheep,
In the fourth sign of the zodiac, ruled by the moon.

My parents are draped with Visayan culture
But in the Land of Promise they met.

My father blessed me with my name
He taught me various things, from the bible to politics to vocabulary.
My mother taught me ideals of life together with its lessons and reality.

They told me I would be a scientist
an engineer
a triumphant lady, a blessed one.

I left my parents’ home
by way of education and growing up.

I am free-spirited
I sometimes choose to do things my own way.
But I often change into something fragile, and
With this comes my reliance on other people.
I love to explore.
I want a glimpse of the beauty of nature
while living life;
A solitude I seek.

I am an album.
A collector of relationships
experiences
memories

Andi says I metamorphosized from a river.
Now I brace myself for fresh challenges that I might come into.

I am just a traveler
Waiting to discover a new place
I am now and forever a learner
Choosing to unravel more queries.